What the Hell is GOING ON!

Lazy Bastards, Upcoming Shows, & MORE!

DM FAN CLUB

Pumpkin Spice Edition!

October 2018 / No. 71

Trick or Treat! Smell My Feet!



News

TLA Show 10-27-18

Fall 2018 Shows!

We're going to play two more shows for the year this fall. First up is our Annual Halloween All Ages show in Philadelphia!

OCT 27 - Theatre of the Living Arts, Philadelphia PA - TICKETS

Our special guests on the bill be our pals Decontrol who have a killer new album out called "Thoughts & Prayers. Plus the Lamebrains from Berlin Germany!

Then in December we're playing an All Ages show in New York City at Irving Plaza.

DEC 15 - Irving Plaza, New York, NY - TICKETS

We're thrilled to have Sage Francis on the bill and also bringing along our Philly friends Gibbous Moon to open up the show.


YOU ASKED FOR OUR STINKING T-SHIRTS!

Dead Milkmen T-Shirts

We have been asked many times where to get our official licensed band t-shirts over the years and we finally have a link to our pals at Impact Merchandising.

Impact has been our supplier of choice for 10 years and offer a few shirts and other Dead Milkmen related merchandise from their website. If you can't make it out to a show and get a shirt directly from us - get one from them.


7th VICTIM

Rodney has been playing shows in the Philadelphia area with his other band 7th Victim. You can hear some of their music on their bandcamp page or go see them live:
Danfest on OCT 19th- INFO
Mistress Mayhem (which is totally NOT what it sounds like) on NOV 10th - INFO


Buy the new Dead Milkmen EP - Welcome to the End of the World

Welcome to the End of the World

Our EP "Welcome to the End of the World" was released last October. You can still get the vinyl as well as the digital download version from the Giving Groove website.

We're working with a brand new Philadelphia based label called The Giving Groove. They have a great charitable model where 50% of all after-tax profits is paid directly to the artist; the remaining 50% is contributed to a music-related non-profit that the label works alongside the artist on selecting. 50% of the after-tax profits for our release will be donated to Girls Rock Philly.


Rodney Anonymous

Opinion: Scooby Doo is Much More Frightening Than You Think

When I was a child, I believed a great number of incredibly stupid things. For example, until I was roughly nine years old, I was absolutely convinced that if I were to be ran over by a Volkswagen Beetle, I would probably be OK. I also held firm to my conviction that Scooby Doo was the least frightening cartoon in the Saturday morning lineup because it lacked any supernatural elements. As an adult, I subscribe to a completely opposite view. And here is why:

1) "It wasn't the ghost of a pirate..."

As an Atheist, I've never found any particular comfort in the concept of an afterlife. That said, an afterlife populated by pirates is some pretty badass theology. "You're grandmother passed away last night, Billy. She's in Heaven with the pirates now." "Will I ever see her again?" "A wussy little landlubber like you? Not likely."

PATCHMORE

Pirates make everything better. Nobody wants a free copy of "Patch Adams". But a pirated copy? Looks like Santa got my letter!

2) "...it was old Mr. Johnson..."

There's a reason why "Ghostbusters" and "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" are comedies (despite the latter not being funny) and why "Psycho" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" are horror moves: Ghosts aren't real, but maniacs are. And, if there's one thing I've learned from having a friend who worked on Netflix's "Mindhunter", it's that criminal behavior tends to escalate over time. An actual ghost pirate isn't likely to leave a string of dead coeds in his wake, but Mr. Johnson? Today a fake pirate; tomorrow a shoplifter; next week a Ted Bundy. According to Wikipedia (as soon as I make the updates), Charles Manson, David Berkowitz, and Richard Ramirez ALL started out as fake ghost pirates.

3) "...he heard about the lost pirate treasure and dressed up like a ghost to frighten people away while he searched for it..."

Seriously? That plan couldn't be anymore asinine if the final step was "Then get involved in a land war in Asia." To begin with, the whole caper is based entirely upon speculation. Mr. Johnson hasn't found any actual pirate treasure - he doesn't even have a map - he's just assuming that these rumors are accurate (And when you assume, you make an ass out of you and grandma ghost pirate). Yet, ol' man Johnson has ponied up actual cold, hard cash for the following:

And that list excludes incidental expenses like the cost of gas for trips back-and-forth between the beach and his creepy murder shack. Also, I'm pretty sure that Mr. Johnson had to quit his day job in order to pursue his dream of being a ghost pirate. After all, it's got to take at least 80 hours of intensive training to teach a parrot to A) say "Dead men tell no tales" and B) trust you enough to cover it with phosphorescent ghost paint. In other words: Mr. Johnson is clearly insane. He is a danger to himself and others.

It's also worth mentioning here that plenty of people have discovered lost pirate treasure in recent history. None of them did so by dressing up like a ghost pirate. They did their research; filed the proper permits, and invested in metal detectors and/or diving equipment. You don't became a successful restaurateur by dressing up like a ghost clown and frightening people away from McDonald's (although, if you do go down that path, please film it).

Perhaps the greatest flaw in Mr. Johnson's shitshow of a plan is his assumption that ghost sightings tend to scare people away from an area. In realitiy, people will flock to any location that's allegedly haunted. The Lizzy Borden House is currently a bed and breakfast (my wife and I have stayed there) as is the Villisca Axe Murder House. If you hear about a haunted slagheap, immediately build a Starbuck's there because that locality is about to become more crowded than a whorehouse on Uncle's Day.

By the way, at this point in the Scooby Doo's timeline, I'm assuming that there's been plenty of news coverage regarding the other fake ghosts busted by the Scooby Gang. This means that Mr. Johnson had to, at some point, chance upon one of these pieces and think to himself "Sure; that guy got caught, but that's only because he was dressing up like a werewolf and trying to scare people away from an amusement park. My plan is completely different."

4) "...with the help of his two henchmen..."

HENCHMEN

The henchmen don't have names because the henchmen don't deserve names! They haven't earned names! Imagine strolling into your local watering hole and (excluding Brett Kavanagh) finding not one, but TWO transients who are so wasted that you could sell them on letting you dress them up as spectral buccaneers all for the promise of a share of the pirate treasure that you not only haven't found yet but which you're also assuming will be remarkably easy to fence. And yet, this is exactly what Mr. Johnson was able to do. That's because the Scooby Doo Universe (the Scoobyverse) is populated by thousands of these men. Was there some sort of economic collapse? An incident involving radiation leakage? The latter would explain the copious amounts of fog encountered as well as the large number of abandoned building...and a genetically mutated talking dog.

5) "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids."

No. No, you wouldn't have. If your criminal enterprise can be brought down in 30 minutes by four van-dwelling teenagers (with the occasional assistance of such crime-busting luminaries as The Harlem Globetrotters, Jonathan Winters, and Tim Conway) what chance do your nefarious activities stand against the likes of a Robert Mueller? Those henchmen are gonna flip on you, buddy.

Which begs the question "What exactly is Mr. Johnson guilty of, anyway?" Is "impersonating a ghost pirate" an actual felony in the Scoobyverse, 'cuz it sure-as-shittin' ain't on the books here in Philly? The way I see it, the most they can charge him with is digging without a permit and animal cruelty (parrot + phosphorescent paint ="Polly wants a veternarian...Now! oh, God! My beak!"), which means he's probably looking at a maximum sentence of six to eight weeks. Since Mr. Johnson is white, the authorities will most likely allow him to serve out his time under house (creepy murder shack) arrest. This gives Mr. Johnson plenty of free time during which to plan his revenge upon the Scooby Gang. Since Mr. Johnson is the cartoon equivalent of Alex Jones on PCP, this revenge will, no doubt, take the form of dressing up like the ghost of Beau Brummel and swiping Fred's ascot. Which, again, is probably a felony in the Scoobyverse.

Deliberating Dandrew

ON TURNING 40

Aging signs:
My son found a gray hair on my head the same week I bought reading glasses for the first time.
The other day I went to bed at 8:30 pm, which was actually earlier than my three young kids.
I fall asleep watching movies.

Generation gap evidence:
I spent my teens and 20's unreachable by phone, unless I was at my house and didn't have my answering machine turned on.
I often find myself telling my kids "what it was like before the Internet."
I was only ever bullied in person. Not in a comment section.

Goals include:
Painting along with a Bob Ross episode.
Find a purpose for the quirky instrumental songs I compulsively write and record.
Maybe write some lyrics (or convince my wife to write some lyrics) over said quirky instrumental songs I compulsively write and record.

Hope:
Something that has certainly helped me ignore the perils of aging is my lovely wife. She keeps me young by making me laugh, challenging my creativity, and loving me unconditionally. I told her the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to be around as many of our friends as possible. So, she and one of my best friends in the world, Bunny Savage, have organized a big 40th birthday bash for me with friends and bands.

If this means I'm over the hill I might as well just roll the rest of the way down.

Links to Dan's recent solo albums:
"Thirteen Dirigible Lirges"
"St. Evens' Singless Singles"

Jack Talcum's CORNER

"Out to Dry"

When I moved into my current quarters a little over two years ago my landlord apologized for the lack of a clothes dryer and promised one would be installed by winter. There was a spot for one next to the washer where there was already gas line and vent access. But a dryer was never installed. Money was too tight. Other emergencies such as plumbing and dead tree removal took precedent.

No matter. There was already a clothesline in the backyard. The only investment needed was in the purchase of a bag of clothespins - less than three bucks at Target. I became, I noticed, one of only three people on my block who regularly hang laundry out to dry.

At first I was self-conscious of airing my laundry for all to see. Although my neighbors see me in those clothes when I'm out and about, they don't see me in my underwear. But I have to hang my boxer briefs to dry too. I considered drying my undergarments inside the house. But then I reasoned if my neighbors don't see briefs on the line they might assume I'm some kind of commie freeballer. But, heck, for all I know, they could be too occupied in their own lives to care about what goes on in my backyard, let alone under my pants. Eventually the anxiety dissipated.

These days I don't mind if I never get a dryer, despite the occasional bird poop on my sheets or spiders in my shirt sleeves. I actually enjoy the little breaks I'm forced to take to hang clothes. It doesn't really take much time - three to five minutes at most per load. It gives me a chance to soak up some Vitamin D and ponder things, like what I'm going to write about in my next Corner. Taking the clothes down is even easier than hanging them and, unlike clothes that you leave sitting in a stopped dryer too long, they never get wrinkled. I found it's fairly easy to fold them as you pick them, which saves an extra step in the process. And if you hang up your socks already paired, which, if you're like me, you'll want to do to preserve the illusion that you're not completely deranged just in case the neighbors really are paying attention, they'll be ready for your sock drawer right off the line.

Besides saving time and forcing relaxation, I'm convinced that line drying also saves your clothes. There's no lint screen to clean, so, arguably, there's also no lint which I think means that less of your clothes are being worn away with each laundering.

Not only does the practice save time and fiber, it also saves money - think of never having to buy dryer sheets again - and might even save the environment. The clothes dryer happens to be one of the more expensive home appliances to operate. I read that the power for one hour of machine clothes drying costs three times as much as an hour of clothes washing, and a whopping seven times as much as an hour of refrigeration (though I'm not sure who would want to refrigerate their clothes). That costly energy is likely generated by the burning of fossil fuels which, if you believe some scientists, is contributing to global warming. Those scientists predict that if nothing is done to reduce fuel emissions, the average world temperature will increase by 7 whole degrees fahrenheit by the end of the century. Wow. Even if you think that line drying your clothes will not make a hill of a beans difference to global warming, with all that extra heat just think how much faster they'll dry!

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Contact

Press inquiries please contact the band at: milkmen@deadmilkmen.com

For press materials please see our PRESS PACK page.

If you wish to communicate with the band you may do so via the following modern electronic email methods:

To book the Dead Milkmen for a show: booking@deadmilkmen.com

General Inquiries: milkmen@deadmilkmen.com

The Band Members:
rodney@deadmilkmen.com
joe@deadmilkmen.com
dean@deadmilkmen.com
dandrew@deadmilkmen.com

For historical reference you may peruse the back issues of this fine publication here: Back Issues Archive

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